


Happiest Memory

by Irhaboggles



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble, Friendship, Happy, Magic, Memory, One Shot, Patronus, Random - Freeform, Short, friend, penguin - Freeform, ramble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26256874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: My dearest friend, I didn't used to understand Patronuses, and even now, I still sort of don't, but after that one perfect, peaceful night on the couch by your side, I'm starting to understand them a little bit better. Now, I think I even know what my Patronus would be...
Comments: 9
Kudos: 1





	Happiest Memory

A Patronus is a physical manifestation of the caster's happiest memory, that's what I was always told. And I would always scoff because such an idea seemed so preposterous. And even more than that, I was always told that if one could cast a _corporeal_ Patronus, it would take the form of an animal. How could a memory even translate into an animal anyway?! It seemed so impossible that it was laughable! And even more than _that_ , that theory didn't even seem to be true half the time!

Most of the wizards I know who can cast Patronuses have Patronuses that represent themselves rather than their memories. For example, James, Sirius, Remus, Minerva and Arthur always cast Patronuses that match their "spirit animals". But isn't a Patronus supposed to be the memory and not the caster? Furthermore, what about those whose happiest memories are events/feelings, like flying on a broom for the first time, or discovering that they're a wizard at all. How can either of those things translate into animals?

I know Patronuses can change over time. I also know that if the happiest memory _is_ of a certain person, the caster's Patronus will be of them (or at least, their "spirit animal"). For example, Snape's Patronus was a doe and Tonks' a wolf. But it still makes no sense. Why are they the only ones with Patronuses that seem to actually represent the memory rather than the caster? Am I to believe only Snape and Tonks chose happiest memories that involved other people rather than events or feelings? Or is it because events and feelings are harder to translate into animals?

But enough of my rambling. I'm sure I'm beginning to frustrate you with my senseless obsession over trivial technicalities. What I'm trying to say is, although I still do not completely understand Patronuses, I think I'm starting to. You remember the first time we talked about them? I speculated that mine might be a panda because pandas are my favorite animal, and I do relate to them on a "spiritual" level. But you laughed and said that the Patronus was supposed to be the memory, not the caster, so perhaps it would not be a panda at all.

Well, I confess that I did try a few times to cast a Patronus, but nothing ever came of it. But of late, I think something has started to change.

I still have never properly cast a corporeal Patronus, and I still have never really needed one, but of late, my anxieties and despairs have started to visit me more and more frequently. Dementors? I don't know. But probably not. The despair I feel is never so powerful as what they could induce. But even if it is not a Dementor, it is something. I am plagued by my insecurities, left uncertain, ashamed and afraid, alone at night with only those negative thoughts to keep me company. It does not happen every night, but it still happens more often than I'd like…

But of late, I have taken to thinking of you during those dark hours, just because time spent with you is always so relaxed. Even now, I am thinking of the night I visited your house and we literally just laid on the couch together watching a livestream of yours. The most casual, "boring" thing I could think of, but I think it was in that exact moment, that one discrete and finite quanta of time, that I finally began to understand. I finally began to understand what a Patronus was, and what mine might be…

I just felt so safe with you in that one perfect little moment. So peaceful and content and relaxed. Truly able to be myself. Just resting together quietly… It's not the wild, powerful joy of discovering that I have magic. Nor is it the unforgettable sensation of a first flight. Instead, it is a different kind of strength and power, much more quiet, but also much more persistent. If there are Dementors, this collection of happiest memories with you is more than good enough to fend them off.

And how funny, Patronuses are built upon happiest memories, and yet my happiest memory (or memories) of you all involve me finally being allowed to forget. I forget myself, my worries, my woes, my insecurities. Sometimes I even forget that I'm a person! And then I just… exist. No face, no reputation, no past, no future, only the present. One, perfect, finite little moment frozen in time. Just like a memory…

And again, yes, I know Patronuses can change and there may finally come a day when you are no longer my happiest memory. Perhaps even now, I am fooling myself by romanticizing my thoughts of you so much. But even if that's true for the future, that is not true for the present. In the here-and-now, you have helped me through lonely, anxious, insecure nights, even if you don't realize it. So for that, I thank you. Besides, what is a memory except a piece of the present frozen in time forever? Even if something better comes along later, that does not negate today.

So, thanks to you, I think I finally know what my Patronus is (at least for the time being). Or, well, I shouldn't say "at least", because there is nothing "least" about this discovery in the slightest. Even if it is only temporary, all things in life are, and the very nature of a Patronus is fleeting. They do not last long, and they are built upon nothing but tiny pieces of discrete, finite events: memories. So perhaps it is fitting that I adore you now even if it does not last forever. That's what a memory is, a unit of time that has passed, but still mattered during the time it was created.

So thank you, my dearest friend, for being my happiest memory this past year. Even if time changes things, the memory has already been created, so that much will never change. With that, I can confidently say I will owe you forever, but that is a debt I am happy to have.

_Expecto Patronum! I await my guardian!_

_Come to me in my saddest hour, my happiest memory!_

_Help me remember the past so that I can remember the future, even when the present tries to erase it all._

_Erase my worry and despair and give me the same peace I always feel whenever you are with me._

_Remember our late-night calls, our watch-parties, our games, our texts, our memes, our visits._

_Remember the night lying by your side on the couch._

_Replace this lonely night with that same serene contentedness and relaxation and help me fly._

And in the dark of a dismal, quiet night, a little wisp of silver-white begins to shine. Soaring warmly through the room is a beautiful little penguin.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Disclaimer, I don't have depression or anxiety, but every so often, I get hit with a bout of the Nighttime Blues, and thinking about my Patronus is the only way I can calm myself down. So thank you, my Penguin, for being my Patronus and helping stave off the Dementors of my mind. I'll happily owe you forever!


End file.
